Written by Anonymous

Welcome, runners! Whether you’re a seasoned marathoner or just someone who dashes to catch the ice cream truck, today’s tips will have you questioning why you laced up those shoes in the first place. It’s April Fools’ Day, after all—so let’s not take life (or running) too seriously!

1. Hydration Is Overrated

Why bother drinking water? Real pros survive on sheer determination and the promise of post-run snacks. Plus, dehydration builds character. Don’t forget to stash your water bottle… in another dimension.

2. Fashion over Function

Forget comfort—running shoes should make a statement! Bonus points if they’re bedazzled stilettos. Who needs ankle stability when you can dazzle spectators with your unwavering confidence?

3. The “Slow Is the New Fast” Strategy

Sprinting? Overrated. Sauntering through your run like you’re window-shopping? Iconic. Let others think you’re conserving energy for a dramatic final lap (even if you never plan on finishing).

4. Snack Break Every 100 Steps

Running on an empty stomach is for amateurs. Pack a buffet in your pockets—pizza slices, donuts, and tacos. Bonus: The jingle of snacks in your pocket doubles as a motivational beat!

5. Don’t Stretch—Improvise

Stretching is so last year. Instead, invent your own pre-run ritual. Perhaps interpretive dance or shadowboxing with invisible opponents. The weirder, the better.

6. GPS? Just Wing It

Why rely on a boring route when you can run wherever destiny takes you? Who knows—you might discover an unmarked trail, or end up in someone’s back yard? Adventure awaits!

7. Spicy Burritos: The Pre-Run Power Move

Want to add some *fire* to your run? Load up on spicy burritos right before heading out. Nothing fuels those miles quite like the thrill of wondering if you’ll make it to the next restroom. Bonus: the natural sprinting intervals it inspires will surely impress onlookers.

8. From Couch to 5K—and Back to Couch

Here’s the ultimate training program: start on your couch, jog for about 30 seconds, then collapse back onto the couch to recover, for a week. Repeat until race day. Success isn’t about finishing the race—it’s about logging those Instagram-worthy “training” selfies.

9. Always Test New Ideas on Race Day

Never try out a new hydration pack, running shoes, or fueling strategy during training. Save the thrill of discovery for race day itself! Nothing adds excitement like figuring out mid-race that your brand-new gel packs taste like battery acid or your shoes are half a size too small.

10. Who Needs Training?

Here’s how you run a marathon. Step 1, start running! There is no step 2.